Today is the last day of 2008 and that stirred enough motivation in me to turn to this blog and post something. I’ve been slack when it comes to this, and I feel like I have enough life going on in my corner to justify the prolonged absence. And it’s not that I haven’t been writing.
Because that IS what I do now.
I’ve committed to my story and am in the thick of it, which is an exciting, exhausting, and fulfilling feeling. To me it’s still this far off project idea, but for right now it’s this amazing escape where I get to fall in love with these people and paint these stories. I can’t even begin to justify with words how good this makes me feel. How right it feels to do this. So maybe it will be nothing beyond that. But I think the pretty amazing part of it all is that I know what makes me…me. I know where my identity is outside of my roles of wife, mother and daughter, and that piece of me will never let me forget who Nina has always been all along.
I’ve been engrossed in that. And life. It’s been a very strange and introspective couple of weeks. I feel like a horrible friend because I’ve been so caught up in these things, but for those of you who have cursed my name under your breath know that I’m still here. Nina is always here. She may be a little harder to get in touch with some days, but I’m still here. If you need me don’t hesitate. I may refer to myself in the third person, BUT I’m still here. I think.
I just want to hope that 2009 is amazing. I’m not ashamed to say that this one wasn’t one of my best. It was a definite struggle coming to terms with graduating and figuring out the next step. It was amazing in the way that I got to watch my son become the little man he is now from the tiny thing cradled to my chest not so long ago. But it’s just such a weird thing to when you step back and see yourself evolve into a mother when you still feel like the same person you’ve always been. How could I be capable of this? Is this just the blind leading the blind? Maybe it is. Maybe raising children is the craziest most rewarding gamble we can make. But I know that he has truly made my heart explode. I will forever and ever be indebted to him for helping me these past couple of months. Somehow in seeing myself through him and realizing everything I still could be I kept my head above water. I’m slowly working my way towards the woman I want to be, and a big part of that is due to Phoenix. I have high hopes for next year, and the seeds that are already in place to hopefully flourish into beautiful and amazing continuations of our lives. I will continue to be hopeful over my father and the potential for new life next year. I will believe in the amazing potential in both my sister and her dreams and my brother and his drive. I will watch this family grow and God willing get to wherever it is we’ll be next. I hope for Craig to make next year his to figure out how to put on that life vest and finally jump back in. I hope to be happily beside him as we tackle the next chapter with passion and faith in our hearts. I will hope to continue to figure out who I am and love her.
So I have hope. And I think at the end of any year, if you can have that, then you can count down those last ten seconds of your year with grace and a deserving smile upon your face.
So to whoever reads this, in whatever way that you can, lets make this one count.
Here’s to 2009.